I am here to tell you that there is a way out. I am a victim of depression. Certain parts of the years it is worse. I had a very hard time last April. I remember messaging a friend and saying please pray for me I can not carry on. I am battling something that I can not control. I had done everything in my power to fix this issue. The only thing that I did not do was go to the Dr's and be put on medication. I did not want to do it this way because in my family there is a history of people that have become addicted to over the counter medication. I made up my mind at a young age that I had been a victim of many things over life. This was something that would not control me. I felt hopeless and lost. I felt like I was the worst person ever. I was the worse mother, wife and friend. I felt that I could not do anything right. I could not even avoid my family from pain. I was actually considering walking away from it all.
Why would anyone want me in their life. Every time I tried to change my way of thinking. Something would happen or someone would say something to add to proving me right. I was useless.
I belonged to a good church but felt by certain people in the church, that I did not belong . No one cared. It was not all necessarily what was happening but what was going on in my mind. I remember contacting my friend and telling her that I just really needed a good ear to vent. One thing in my life that I was grateful for was God bringing this amazing friend into my life. She is always there and I know that no matter what I feel or say she would never condemn me.
I had been praying but felt that God had failed me. He was not healing me from this pain. He was also not answering me. I had lost so many special people in my life. If God is real why is it that bad things happen. When does he allow good people to suffer. I was angry that he would not help me. Why am I going through this valley. I had not lost total belief in God, However I did loose hope in recovery.
My family had gone out to the farm to visit my in laws and after dinner we all walked down to the barn. The girls helped out with chores, and to check out the new arrivals. My husband and I walked out towards the house. My oldest looked up and said "Mom check out that cloud it looks like a big eagle. " I looked up to see an amazing cloud. It filled the sky it was so big. It looked like a soaring eagle with it's wings stretched wide. I started to cry as soon as I looked at it.
I heard a small voice come to me saying
" But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint".
I felt an amazing feeling over come me. I knew that this was the sign that I was looking for. I had tried to do it all on my own. I did not rest in the wings of the eagle and allow him to carry me through.
I pray that anyone reading this that is battling with this disease will find comfort knowing you are not alone. Maybe you don't believe and you feel alone. Maybe you are thinking man this lady is crazy. Whatever your thoughts are today. I encourage you to seek help. To reach out to someone who you know you can trust. You may be like me and are thinking my family would be so much better without me there. If I ended it all now life would be so much simpler.
Please take heart to know even though you feel useless and you feel like you are a burden to your family and those who love you. It would be a bigger burden for them without you there. Even though you feel alone. You are never alone. God cares for you. He loves you. He has given you amazing blessing that you may not see. You are a blessing to someone even though you may not know it. Hold your chin high and know that you are loved. We can't do it in our own strength but we can carry on and do it with God's strength.
